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Type of bind: Paperback
Dewey Decimal Number: 150
EAN num: 9780316178686
ISBN number: 0316178683
Label: Little, Brown and Company
Manufacturer: Little, Brown and Company
Quantity: 1
Page Count: 320
Printing Date: February 06, 2002
Publishing house: Little, Brown and Company
Sale Popularity Level: 52352
Studio: Little, Brown and Company
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It's not that men don't talk, says Dr. Gratch, it's just that they speak a different language. Breaking down male psychology into seven factors-Shame, Emotional Absence, Masculine Insecurity, Self-Involvement, Aggression, Self-Destructiveness, and Sexual Acting-Out-Dr. Gratch gives readers the tools they need to listen, to interpret, and to understand the inner world of men.
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Rated by buyers 
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After reading this book it seemed to me that women are grey and white compared with the insane complexity of men! Also, I thought women got the raw end of the deal with gender roles -- and undoubtedly they have -- but this book made it clear to me that we women are not the only victims here.
My husband is very quiet and totally incapable of expressing feelings unless they are positive or nuetral ones. I really, really needed this book. I read it quite a while ago and still rely on several important pieces of information, using them on an almost daily basis.
I latched onto the concept of emotional androgyny (the blending of stereotypical "feminine" qualities like compassion and vulnerability, along with the stereotypical "masculine" qualities like strength and courage, in individuals of both genders), something that hadn't occured to me prior to reading this. While I may have seen this as an appropriate goal for women, I never bothered to think that men would be equally liberated and more balanced by becoming androgynous.
Also, I take the teeter-totter effect in relationships into account: that if one spouse is hysterical, the other feels it is their role to be stone-cold, thus making the very first spouse more hysterical; that if a role is not being fulfilled in a relationship between two people (protector, provided, worrier, nagger, sex-initiator) someone will always step in to fill the gap, forcing the other individual to take the opposite end of the teeter-totter, as with a worrying wife and a risk-taking husband; that the more you stress your role, the more the other person becomes the polar opposite of you (the more you nag, the less likely he'll ever do anything on his own.)
By not chattering on and on about my feelings as much, becoming more androgynous by being less forthcoming ("less forthcoming" being a masculine trait), my husband could step out of the role of listener and into the role of talker (a feminine trait). The transformation was instantaneous. Just to prove how profound this is, I suggest you try for one whole day to act exactly like your partner, never breaking character. You'll be shocked by how quickly they will start to resemble you instead of themselves, filling in the void you left on the other side of the teeter-totter. Work on becoming a more balanced person, ironing out your own imperfections, and his corresponding imperfections will likely dissipate all on their own. Whether they do or they don't, however, you'll find that you're leading a much more fulfilling and rich lifestyle, living outside of a gender-role box.
The only criticism I have, which is similar to that of another person who reviewed this book, is that the author did seem to suggest that a woman walk on egg-shells. Non-interference seems to be the rule of thumb (which is fine in most circumstances, but when a relationship or man is really out of control it's time to get your hands dirty) and sometimes his suggestions of how women should get their needs fulfilled seemed... sly. Dare I say... manipulative. Being honest and open never really seemed to be an option.
Awesome book though. Really changed everything.
Rated by buyers 
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What a gift this book is, and what a great read. I coach individuals in emotional intelligence, but there are also men in my private life who resemble those in this book.
Why, just the other day I had a date with a gentlemen who drove 100 miles to my town to take me out to dinner. As we headed for a restaurant I knew well, in my hometown after all, that he had been to once, 5 years ago, he got lost and asked me not to say anything. ?? "OK," I said, "But it's right over there." I was, well, hungry. He said no, it was not right over there. After 20 minutes of driving in silence ("testosterone makes people silent"), he concluded that I "might be right" [if I'm RIGHT, he's WRONG] and permitted me to point out the restaurant just a few blocks away. He asked me out again, and I declined. He seemed to enjoy "hunting in silence" a lot more than I did.
And this, said Gratch, is how men end up in therapy. Only when they've driven themselves for a long time, and are totally lost will they ask directions, i.e., a busted relationship, getting fired, or some other crisis for which they can't find the map they wouldn't use if they had. Yes, men are men.
It's good to bear in mind though, as I tell clients to whom I recommend this book, that Gratch is talking about therapy clients. This is not the "average" man, and since Gratch is psychoanalytic, I'll throw in that I think they seem to have more than their share of the designer ailment "narcissism."
That having been said, it's a thoroughly delightful book. What you "do" with a man like this - who can't "talk," but there's a lot more to it - is not so simple, but, yes, Virginia, if you're looking for anything "simple" in terms of human relations, you're going to be frequently disappointed. You have to do a LOT of reading, and experiencing, but reading this book is a start.
Dr. Gratch gives enough direct recommendations you could put into place in a relationship to give us hope, e.g., when he picks on you because his boss yelled at him/he lost the golf game/he's put on weight, tell him, "Come back when you have something nice to say" and LEAVE HIM WITH THE FEELING. How else will he sort it out, and, more importantly, how else will you keep yourself relatively free of the projections?
I found this book helpful in coaching men in emotional intelligence. If you read the book carefully, you'll get a lot of Gratch's attitude, which is the key. He manages to be sympathetic but confronting, and also to retain his curiosity, sense of humor, and compassion, as well as being able to keep himself from getting entangled in the embroglio, which is a skill you need with someone who's not mindful about their emotions.
He does rely on the premise that it's their wishes to be feminine (or have the perceived advantages of being female) that should be considered. I prefer to look at the wellness and sucess that comes from knowing your emotions and being able to talk about them, and from being balanced with a full repertoire of qualities - whether labeled "female" or "male." The more you have to draw on when it's needed, the better you'll do, the more interesting you'll be to others, and easier to be with, and your enjoyment of life will generally increase. That's high EQ!
Rated by buyers -
I found this book extremely helpful. I coach men and women in emotional intelligence, and I also train and certify EQ coaches. I think we'd probably all agree it isn't THOUGHTS and IDEAS that the men who can't talk, can't talk about ... it's FEELINGS. I put that qualifier in there because it's important to note at the outset, that Dr. Gratch is a psychotherapist, and so the population of men he deals with are pre-selected as having this affliction. This is not a book about "men," but about men who have trouble knowing and expressing their feelings, i.e., low EQ. This is a very readable book, with many great examples. It's invaluable because lots more women than men show up for therapy, and since Dr. Gratch's practice is largely male, I couldn't wait to learn what he'd learned, and hear what he did about it. It will describe very well for you a certain type of man you know (we all do), and will help you to deal with them in partnerships, at work, and in your social life.
Rated by buyers -
I really astonished to read myself while going over the pages. The book is so helpful to understand male behaviour. So, not only the suffering females but also the males themselves will learn too much from this book. Maybe it is not so easy to solve the problems, but to understand and accept the problems is a must to solve them.....
Rated by buyers 
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I found this book interesting - it's well written, well thought out, and many neat anecdotes. However, the author is clearly Freudian, and can go a little overboard with the psychoanalysis. I guess I'm biased because I lean towards behaviorial psychology, but I found that the Freudian allusions got in the way.
So, if you're Freudian, you'll love this book. Otherwise, there are better options out there.
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